Herbert the Horrible
by PeteStump
Summary: Bella gets a new pet, but Edward isn't too happy about it...HUMOR FIC ONESHOT If you read, review, dudes.
1. Authors Note

Behold, my latest humor fanfiction, _Herbert the Horrible_. Yes, I am aware of how OOC it is, please do **NOT POINT THAT OUT**. It is a HUMOR fic. I've gotten a couple flames for _Killer Vampire Chipmunks from Mars_, and _Quooinks_, and I'm sick of them. **HUMOR FICS DON'T HAVE TO BE IN CHARACTER AND REALISTIC.**

If you havent read _Killer Vampire Chimpmunks from Mars_ or _Quooinks_, go read them, too.

This story is somewhat based on a true story, only I did not kill the guinea pig in the end. I would never harm and animal and, it was my friend, and that would not be good to do to a friend. Basically, the only similarities between this and my story are that the animal was a guinea pig, and it squeaked alot, which annoyed me.

I also made a picture to go along with this story, like I did the _Chipmunks_. I'm working on a _Quooinks_ one, but since Quooinks are not a popular animal, I can't find pictures, and therefore have to make one. Anyway, here is the picture of Herbert. If you want to use it for something, go ahead, but dont take credit.

http : (two forward slashes) i52. photobucket. com / albums / g14 / PeteStump / HerberttheHorrible. jpg

Just replace (two forward slshes) with two of these / and take out the spaces.

Hope you enjoy the fic!

:Kait


	2. Herbert the Horrible

"What," Edward asked as he climbed through Bella's window, "Is _that_?"

Bella looked up from where she had been sitting on her bed, "You've lived one hundred years and you've never seen a guinea pig?" she laughed.

"No, I know what it _is_, but--" Edward started to explain, but Bella interrupted him.

"Then why did you ask?" She stroked the guinea pig as it sat on her lap, squeaking from happiness.

"I meant, why is it in your room?" Edward clarified.

"It's my new pet guinea pig, Herbert--"

"Herbert?" Edward asked incredulously.

"Yes, Herbert," she replied defensively. "Anyway, Bill's--a guy Charlie works with--daughter didn't want it anymore--she's seven and she lost interest--so Bill offered it to Charlie, to see if I wanted him. And since I've always wanted one but never been able to get one--Renee isn't an animal fan--I gladly took it. So, Edward, be nice to Herbert."

"It's the mammals that don't like me, not the other way around!" he protested, holding his hands up to try to stop her.

"Sure . . ."

"He's kind of ugly," Edward said, eyeing the tan and white thing she called Herbert.

"Hey!"

"I'm just stating fact," Edward smirked.

"Well, hold him, maybe it will change your mind about him. I've been holding him all night and he's been very good, so I doubt he'll do anything. Not that he _could_ hurt you," Bella said, placing Herbert in Edward's hands. The animal immediately squeaked in terror, and attempted to bite Edward, though of course not piercing the skin. In fact, as Herbert bit Edward, he squeaked in pain from the marble like substance that Edward was.

"He _bit_ me!" Edward yelped, shocked.

"I thought nothing could hurt you."

"It didn't _hurt_, it's just . . . he _bit_ me!" Edward explained, glaring Herbert.

"Maybe mammals don't like you," she smiled, quickly scooping Herbert back into her hands, trying to calm him by stroking his back.

"Most mammals don't. They tend to run away from us. But, you're a mammal," Edward pointed out.

"Who said I liked you?" she smirked.

"Ah, you're right. Like is an understatement. You love me. You're head over heels for me." Edward picked Herbert up from Bella lap quickly and put him back in his cage, picking Bella up and kissing her lightly on her neck.

"You . . . sound . . . mighty sure . . . of yourself . . . " Bella said slowly, trying to remember to breathe. "But . . . you're right. Like _is_ an . . . understatement."

"Bella, it's late, you should really be going to bed now," Edward said after a couple of minutes of cuddling.

"Oh, I should warn you; guinea pigs are nocturnal," Bella said as she laid down.

"Bella, I know this already."

"You know everything," she mumbled, yawning.

"On the contrary, I know nothing. After one hundred years on this earth, that's the most important thing anyone can know," he said quietly.

"Okay . . . " she yawned, drifting off to sleep. Edward sat back in the rocking chair, waiting for the sleep talking to start.

"Herbert . . . " Bella mumbled after a half hour, making the guinea pig start squeaking. The squeaking made Bella stop sleep talking, which caused Edward to get very mad at Herbert.

"Herbert!" Edward hissed, which only caused the animal to start squeaking again.

"Herbert, shut up!" Edward threw a small piece of clothing he found on the floor at the cage, making Herbert run into his house in fear, still squeaking.

After five minutes, the animal was still squeaking. Edward was getting so frustrated, that he realized he had to do something, or he would hurt the guinea pig.

Picking up Hebert's cage, he quietly opened the window, careful not to wake Bella, and placed Herbert on the roof. Herbert squeaked in protest many times, but Edward ignored him. He shut the window, sitting back in the chair, happy to hear no more squeaking.

About ten minutes later, before Bella could resume her sleep talking, Forks did what it was known for best--it rained. Edward sighed, knowing her had to get Herbert off the roof. He could hear him clearly now, squeaking from the rain._What doesn't that little rodent squeak about?_ Edward thought to himself. As much as he would love to leave the annoying creature out in the rain until it caught its death, he knew Bella would be furious, and he could never do anything to hurt Bella.

doesn't Edward thought to himself. As much as he would love to leave the annoying creature out in the rain until it caught its death, he knew Bella would be furious, and he could never do anything to hurt Bella. 

Sighing, Edward went outside and got the already half soaked cage, and brought it back in. He crinkled his nose in disgust. Wet animals truly were one of the most fowl smells.

The entire rest of the night, Herbert squeaked. Edward was about to just end the beasts life, but he remembered Bella, sleeping peacefully.

- - - - - - - - - -

The next two days, everything went the same. Bella woke up, had her 'human moment,' ate, and went to school. After school, they went to the Cullens, And stayed there until Bella had to go home to cook for Charlie.

Edward had to deal with Herbert every night, barely restraining himself from throwing Herbert out the window. Herbert kept squeaking. Edward soon realized that the other time Herbert didn't squeak was when he was in Bellaââ‚¬™s hands.

He thought about picking Herbert up and placing him on Bella's bed, but he wasn't sure if it would wake Bella or not.

By the fourth day, Edward had about as much as he could take of Herbert. He had tried everything, but nothing shut the stupid thing up. He just sat, staring at it, feeling the tingle in the back of his throat. Herbert moved, sending more of his scent toward Edward.

"You're evil, Herbert," Edward muttered, careful not to wake Bella. "You just sit there, eat, poop, and squeak, all day long. Would anyone really miss you?"

Edward walked toward the cage, a smirk on his face. The rodent started squeaking even more, sensing that something was up. Edward snatched up the animal, and went outside. Herbert protested, biting him and trying to squiggle out of Edwards grasp.

Once Edward was outside, he brought Herbert forward, savoring his scent before quickly biting into him, drinking his blood in less that a minute. It's blood hardly did anything to satisfy his hunger--he would have to hunt tomorrow anyway--but he was happy Herbert was finally gone. Forever.

He went back inside, holding Hebert's bloodless corpse, ready to place it back into the cage. It was only then that he realized what he had done.

He had killed Herbert.

He had killed Bella's pet.

What was he going to do?

He quickly thought of his options, and none of them looked to good. He could say he just died of old age, but how could he explain the bite wounds? He could hide the corpse, and say he must have gotten out, but he was here the entire time, he could have stopped him. The best option would have been to go to the pet store in Port Angeles, but they would be closed, and he'd never have time. The sun had already risen--Bella would wake any moment.

Hearing Bella stir, Edward quickly ran outside, burying Herbert in the woods, and went back in. He then bit a small hole in the plastic of the cage, making it seem as if he had chewed his way out. He did this all in less than a minute--he was a vampire after all.

Bella yawned and sat up, rubbing her eyes.

"Good morning," Edward said, smiling at her.

"Hello, Edward." She got up, and walked toward him, but froze as she looked at Hebert's cage.

"Oh, God, what happened!" she screamed.

"What?" Edward asked, trying to make his voice calm, but a little panic showed through.

"Herbert! He's gone! How could he have gotten out? You were here the whole time; you would have seen him!"

"I went over to my house for a while, to change and talk to Alice about going hunting," Edward lied.

"Really," she glared at him, looking very skeptical.

"Would I lie to you?" He tried to dazzle her, but for once, it seemed she was immune to it.

"I thought not, but why are you in the same clothes as last night? And, how do you explain the DROP OF BLOOD ON YOUR CHIN!" She screamed at him, tears forming in her eyes.

"Bella I--" He tried to explain, but Bella stopped him by actually slapping him.

"Did you just hit me?" he asked incredulously.

"Yes! And I will again if you're not out of here in three seconds!" She screamed again, and threw a pillow at him. Fortunately, Charlie was already at work. "Three! Two! One!" she counted down, but Edward was out right after she said two. Bella screamed again, crying into the pillow.

- - - - - - - - - -

The next three days, Bella gave Edward the cold shoulder. She surprised everyone--including herself--by doing so; normally, Bella couldn't stay away from Edward. But she held her ground, completely ignoring him.

At lunch, she didn't sit near him, and only talked with Jasper, Alice, and Emmett. Rosalie still hated her, so she didn't talk to her, either. During Biology, she moved the chair as far away from him as the desk allowed, and just crumpled up all the notes he sent her way. She threw out all the flowers he sent her, and everything else he tried to get her to forgive him.

After school on the third day of ignoring Edward, Alice decided to come over to her house.

Once they were at home, Alice started talking.

"Bella," she said, "I think I have a way to get back at Edward. It would certainly be a lot better than ignoring him. He's not doing well. And neither are you; I can tell. You both need each other to function. Please, just talk to him. I have another way of revenge, and it will last a lot longer. Five or six years, I think. Though, your ignoring him is making him realize how much he misses you, and I've gotten more visions of him changing you. Anyway, here's what we will do."

"Alice, I--"

"No, Bella, this will work, trust me. And my entire family is on your side--I already told them of my plan. Well, except Rosalie. But she won't do anything to stop us. Anyway, they'll make sure that nothing happens. You see, Edward, Carlisle, and Rosalie are going on a two-day hunting trip the day after tomorrow. Just continue giving the cold shoulder to Edward until he leaves, and then we'll . . . "

And she began telling Bella of her plan.

- - - - - - - - - -

Giving Edward the cold shoulder for another day was surprisingly easy for Bella. After school, once he left for the trip, Alice, Bella, Jasper, and Emmett got to work. They stopped at the Cullens house, picking up Esme, and each took separate cars to Port Angeles. They would need all the car space they could get. Once they got everything they needed, they headed back home to set everything up. Well, the Cullens did. Bella found it was easier to just let them do it, and stay out of their way.

She decided to sleep over, so that she would be right there in the morning, when Edward returned.

"Bella, Bella, wake up!" Alice nudged Bella, waking her.

"What?" she asked groggily, temporarily forgetting the entire reason she was there.

"Carlisle called. They should be home in an hour. Go get ready--I left clothes for you in my bathroom."

Bella jumped up, and ran into Alice's bathroom, tripping once along the way. Once she was ready, she went into Edward's room, and waited for him.

After a couple minutes, she heard a car pull into their driveway. She sat on the couch, nervous. She couldn't hear what was going on downstairs, but she assumed he would smell her, and come upstairs. Hopefully, he would be so surprised to smell Bella, that he wouldn't notice the other smell coming from his room.

Shortly after she heard the car, Edward's door opened, startling her though she knew it was coming, and he came rushing in, grabbing her in a hug. He kissed her softly, but freezing halfway through the kiss, as he smelled the surprise and Bella pushed him off.

"Edward, I will forgive you for what you did to poor Herbert, but, Alice and I came up with a little punishment." she smirked.

Edward's eyes drifted to the stack of what looked like boxes covered by a sheet. "Oh, no," he said, knowing what was under that sheet.

Alice appeared in the doorway, also smirking as she walked next to Bella and the surprise.

Pulling the blanket off the surprise at the same time, they revealed ten cages. Each cage had two guinea pigs in it. Edward's mouth opened in horror. He could smell the animals, but he had no idea how many there were.

"You, Edward," Alice explained, "Will take care of these twenty guinea pigs until their death. _Of old age._"

"You are to clean out their cages, and feed and give them water," Bella said. "I have your entire family on my side, and they will watch you, making sure that no harm comes to these guinea pigs."

Edward groaned. They had come up with just about the worst punishment possible for him. This would last for years. "And," Alice said, making Edward groan again. What more could she possibly add? "You will name each of them."

And, with that, Edward sighed and started naming the guinea pigs.


End file.
